Life has a way of correcting our path. It can be hard not to stand in the way of life's correction upon a friend or loved on. The more I contemplate our existence the more I realize that Heaven and hell are inside of us where all the conflict that shapes us takes place. Life is the refiner’s fire. Only we ourselves can walk through this fire called life. Nobody can walk through the fire on our behalf. No one else can fully understand our unique conflict. Others can love us, comfort us, judge us or mock us as we face our inner conflict. It is easy to put the strain of another’s inner war upon our own shoulders, but that is not being fair to our self. Grace is not taking another’s inner conflict personally. Grace is not taking how that inner conflict causes them to treat us personally. Grace is loving them even when they become our enemy.
Recently a dear co-worker of mine went from seemly healthy to stage 4 cancer only in a matter of months. I had regular conversations over the years with this co-worker because he played an important role at the office and as a friend. When I traveled back east recently on a business trip I saw this co-worker, he was pale and weak after having a routine heart bypass they had not discovered any cancer yet. When I went to hug this gentleman I had no idea it may be the last time I’d see him in person. A series of complications after his heart bypass lead to tests and the tests discovered the cancer which was through-out his body.
I am writing this at 2AM because I could not sleep. I was laying in bed thinking about the mother I lost to cancer 6 years ago. I have been down this road before and as I approach 40 years in age it's becoming apparent I will travel this road routinely in the coming years. When someone close to you is terminally ill it forces you to make a choice, a choice to face it or to run and pretend you are immortal. Through-out our life we are given these opportunities to allow ourselves to face our mortality and realize someday it too will be us when our so-called number is up. The reason I am awake at 2AM writing this is the fact that I choose to feel.
Now back to my dear friend Mike facing his last days. Mike is an engineer and as an engineer he left the office each day on time to be home for dinner with his family. Mike never put money before friendship, never played office politics and even though he left the office around 5PM each day he still managed to find the time to help his fellow employees. Mike took days off turning 2 day weekends into 3 or 3 day weekends into 4 days and why did Mike do this? Mike’s kids are grown and he also has grand kids that he'd drive across state lines to visit. Now that Mike is facing his end of days I am sure he does not regret leaving the office around 5PM each day or spending extended weekends with his kids across state lines.
When I see a person terminally ill, fighting to get a few extra days in this world with their loved ones it kills me. I do have a heart and soul, so all these thoughts flood my mind as I lay in bed unable to turn my brain off. I wonder what goes through Mike’s mind when he visits co-workers at the office in his frail condition now that he can no longer work. I wonder how Mike feels when he sees a job he loved, his empty office and imagines another guy sitting at his desk doing that job he held all those years. I wonder how Mike will handle the huge responsibility of saying goodbye to his wife and kids. I even wonder about what it must be like for a terminally ill person fighting cancer to make love to their wife that one last time, to have one last birthday or Christmas or New Years. I wonder what Doug our controller is feeling as Doug and Mike went out to lunch nearly every day, so now who does Doug eat lunch with? I wonder all these things after previously watching my mother do everything in her life one last time due to cancer.
Here are some lessons I have learned facing the mortality of others and even my own mortality (I am a mortal you know). Never deny your feelings or view feelings as an inconvenience. Many when faced with human mortality go on with their life in denial and become desensitized over the years. I know people who are miserable and bitter, but to save face they put on a mask each day instead of allowing themselves to feel. If you see emotions as an inconvenience you will ironically become a bitter person who lacks heart. One who suppresses their own soul will be viewed by the people around them as soulless. It is ok to let yourself feel the pain because pain is aliveness and by feeling pain you are letting yourself truly live. All our compassion is born of the suffering we allow ourselves to experience so don’t suffocate your own soul.
Life is dynamic meaning spirituality looks different from the vantage point of each individual life. People think they can create a one size fits all spirituality, but that is actually religion not spirituality. The very fact that our lives are all different means we all take different paths… we are the path… our life is the narrow road. Do any two people see God the same? Do any two people see Christ the same? No matter what we "believe" it has been shaped by our own individual perception via life experience. The Christ I know today will transform into a completely different Christ as I grow spiritually, therefore each individual's perception is truly the road or the way… our lives are far too distinct to narrow it down to the so-called "one-way" mentality. Where does God or Christ truly exist… they live in our perception and our perception changes with time. Everything we know about God is in our perception therefore as our perception changes God changes. Anyone who tells you psychology is irrelevant to spirituality needs to realize our psychology is the lens with which we view God.
Unfortunately evangelism is just selling a religion like a household product. People talk about their religious product in ways that makes it the solution to all problems. People will even sell their particular church like a product. If I only had a dollar for every time a person said "MY CHURCH IS NOT LIKE OTHER CHURCHES". Too often the institutional church experience is like the various forms of medical marijuana that those clinics offer. One church makes you feel warm and fuzzy while another church scares you straight. All too often churches that people choose are more about finding a good fit for their personality then they are about truth. When the churches people attend have to fit their image… well… that says it all. Now we got people going to those fancy churches built like resorts with lot of amenities designed so we can impress our friends. Here is the truth sometimes a person's religion is the symptom of a deep psychological problem… I know it was for me anyway.
Eliminating threats is not the realization of something new, but awareness of something that already exists. Our reactions to others is not about them… instead our reactions themselves are the enemy. Our lies to our self are the biggest threat. Our lies form out of our constant grasping. If we begin observing our own reactions to that which we are grasping for… we will learn that both suffering and happiness exist within us. It is the grasping that feeds our suffering. We cannot find happiness until we first find contentment within. Those who are grasping create their own threats when they blame outside sources for their misery or when they reach to outside sources in search of happiness.
When we find our self in between a person and that which they are grasping for at that point we become the victim of the lies this person tells them self. Even Jesus said "forgive them Father for they know not what they do". People in competition with us are grasping. Revenge is a form of grasping. Unforgiveness is a form of grasping. Greed is a form of grasping. Codependency is a form of grasping. Addiction is a form of grasping. Religion is a form of grasping… So we cannot control that which others are grasping for, but we can control our own grasping before it becomes destructive.
There is no such thing as being wrong… only a journey that leads us all to the truth. Just as it takes failure to eventually succeed, it also takes being wrong to eventually be right. Wrong is a part of the journey that leads to right, so wrong and right are really one. In other words if I was a mass murderer eventually I am going to have to face the truth… face my true reflection…. Every lie points to the truth… Fear points to love…. Cold points to warmth…. Darkness points to light… One thing becomes the space for another…. We experience heaven or hell by how we live in this moment… and by whether we live with our eyes open or shut… The only consequence of my wrongness will be guidance to the truth… Even Jesus said those who seek will find… Blessed are the hungry, the thirsty, the poor in spirit because all these represent emptiness that when embraced leads to a blessing. I was a Christian until I was humble enough to be wrong about my beliefs and today that willingness to be wrong has lead to more freedom then I have ever experienced before. Christianity was an important part of my journey of wrongness that leads to truth.
We live in a world that represents the elite’s vision to harvest profit. Everything including education is designed to make us produce for the elite. We are slaves and most of us don’t even know it. There are a few elite controlling the masses via big government and via large corporations. The elite keep us hypnotized with a few promises and the crumbs that fall from their tables. We are slaves until the day we become aware of our slavery. Once we are aware we often become alone because we begin to see something that most don’t see. We are hypnotized by the media, video games, greed for gadgetry, sex, a lust for power and popularity. EVEN when we launch movements it often becomes more about us then the cause. Once the elite can no longer rule us in this fashion then prepare for a dictatorship that will be soon to follow.
This is a reflection of a parent who keeps there kids entertained for the purpose of keeping them out of their hair. What happens when the child one day wakes up to this form of manipulation? On that day begins his/her revolution which is often labeled a rebellion.
The American Indians that we robbed, raped, lied to and then murdered did not believe in hierarchies. The American Indians did not believe people were meant to rule over each other. The people we stole this country from became our slaves for a time until the day we didn’t need them and decided to make them our enemies to justify murdering them. Today we are at risk of succumbing to the same fate under the power of the elite.
This is why I love the movie AVATAR!
It is the darkness that conceals what lies deep down at the core that God seeks to eliminate. All I did was articulate what some feel / sense yet fail to understand. Evil means simply to conceal the truth. The world we live in that God tells us to not be of has found many ways / means to shield the truth. Again… I know this is dark, but it is what many feel / sense yet fail to understand. HOWEVER, the truth is when a feeling / sense gets articulated (becomes light) causing some to go into denial (hide) and others to be set free.
We are like gifts that God is unwrapping in this life, but some would rather not be unwrapped because they prefer darkness rather then light.
Today I interpret everything on my own constantly facing new truths that combat old lies. I now realize the dangers behind mediators who have too much at stake to simply say I am wrong. I now realize the god they are serving has become money at some point, turning their once on fire churches into cold businesses. As I started to see clearly for the first time even more has been revealed. It became clear they are slaves to the money that pays their bills, slaves to the institution and slaves to their own spotless reputations, these same spotless reputations that keep their paychecks coming. Church in a building is now a show and the show must go on… even while as Mother Teresa said “loneliness spreads like the leprosy of our generation”.
On many days I am not a God fearing man. Being a prince is a lot of pressure for an imperfect man to bare. How about we add the fact that the ideal man does not even exist, therefore God’s solution is the fact that He asks us to be merciful (meaning not punishing when someone deserves it) and gracious (meaning being nice even when someone doesn’t deserve it).
I have been with my wife Jana 16 years and I can say with all certainty that I am far from the prince that she deserves. If my wife was looking for the ideal man I would have never made it past the first date (I said stupid things on our first date). Did I mention the fact that we met in a bar and neither of us was sober. I was what many would consider a backslider christian and my wife rarely thought about herself as a christian. In fact if either of us were waiting for or looking for the ideal mate…… both of us would still be single.
Just saying (with a smile) my own perspective. Jesus didn’t die so we could sin, He died because we do sin. Grace and mercy means accepting that as handsome and as beautiful a person may be…. we as Jesus did need to lay down our own lives and sacrifice our definition of what is ideal sometimes. He may not always be the handsome prince. She may not be always be the beautiful princess so grace and mercy become the glue that keeps people together. Without out grace and mercy we will find ourselves either continually being kicked to the curb or continually kicking people to the curb.
1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
Remember the quote “too good to be true” and you will be OK.
In the past I have been guilty of planning and producing the “Me Show”. The “ME SHOW” is about trying to be somebody when you feel deep down like a nobody. I find it easy to love and forgive those types of people because I know what it is like to feel like a “nobody”. I have had friends that constantly boast and I have accepted them knowing that behind all the bragging lies pure misery. When your identity is based upon external forces that are beyond your control…. life is like riding a wild horse that can never be broken. I see people everyday thinking they have the power to break the wild horse (life), but these people are only happy when they are temporarily holding something, something that will eventually lead to their deep misery when the wild horse (life) kicks them off… over and over again. This is why I find the Buddhist concepts of desire leading to pain very realistic.
Now that my “ME SHOW” is over my goal today is to simply pour out my heart with no strings attached…. even draw attention toward others and away from me when I have the opportunity. Love given and received freely is my reward. I am glad to not be in a position where my financial security or my self esteem is dependent upon my popularity. I can freely speak my mind without the worry of people deleting me from their friends lists. After graduating from Bible college I decided not to be a pastor because watching other people’s “me shows” started making me sick to my stomach.
The best favor anyone can do for themselves is avoid seeking an identity in the girls, the gold and the glory. The smart girls can usually see right through you, the gold is easily lost unless you make it your wicked slave master and the fame only opens the doorway to controversy. When people identify with the girls, the gold and the glory they invite destructive fears into their lives…. fears that often bring death to their door step early.
