Fear to Freedom – Holy Triage

Recently a dear co-worker of mine went from seemly healthy to stage 4 cancer only in a matter of months. I had regular conversations over the years with this co-worker because he played an important role at the office and as a friend. When I traveled back east recently on a business trip I saw this co-worker, he was pale and weak after having a routine heart bypass they had not discovered any cancer yet. When I went to hug this gentleman I had no idea it may be the last time I’d see him in person. A series of complications after his heart bypass lead to tests and the tests discovered the cancer which was through-out his body.

I am writing this at 2AM because I could not sleep. I was laying in bed thinking about the mother I lost to cancer 6 years ago. I have been down this road before and as I approach 40 years in age it's becoming apparent I will travel this road routinely in the coming years. When someone close to you is terminally ill it forces you to make a choice, a choice to face it or to run and pretend you are immortal. Through-out our life we are given these opportunities to allow ourselves to face our mortality and realize someday it too will be us when our so-called number is up. The reason I am awake at 2AM writing this is the fact that I choose to feel.

Now back to my dear friend Mike facing his last days. Mike is an engineer and as an engineer he left the office each day on time to be home for dinner with his family. Mike never put money before friendship, never played office politics and even though he left the office around 5PM each day he still managed to find the time to help his fellow employees. Mike took days off turning 2 day weekends into 3 or 3 day weekends into 4 days and why did Mike do this? Mike’s kids are grown and he also has grand kids that he'd drive across state lines to visit. Now that Mike is facing his end of days I am sure he does not regret leaving the office around 5PM each day or spending extended weekends with his kids across state lines.

When I see a person terminally ill, fighting to get a few extra days in this world with their loved ones it kills me. I do have a heart and soul, so all these thoughts flood my mind as I lay in bed unable to turn my brain off. I wonder what goes through Mike’s mind when he visits co-workers at the office in his frail condition now that he can no longer work. I wonder how Mike feels when he sees a job he loved, his empty office and imagines another guy sitting at his desk doing that job he held all those years. I wonder how Mike will handle the huge responsibility of saying goodbye to his wife and kids. I even wonder about what it must be like for a terminally ill person fighting cancer to make love to their wife that one last time, to have one last birthday or Christmas or New Years. I wonder what Doug our controller is feeling as Doug and Mike went out to lunch nearly every day, so now who does Doug eat lunch with? I wonder all these things after previously watching my mother do everything in her life one last time due to cancer.

Here are some lessons I have learned facing the mortality of others and even my own mortality (I am a mortal you know). Never deny your feelings or view feelings as an inconvenience. Many when faced with human mortality go on with their life in denial and become desensitized over the years. I know people who are miserable and bitter, but to save face they put on a mask each day instead of allowing themselves to feel. If you see emotions as an inconvenience you will ironically become a bitter person who lacks heart. One who suppresses their own soul will be viewed by the people around them as soulless. It is ok to let yourself feel the pain because pain is aliveness and by feeling pain you are letting yourself truly live. All our compassion is born of the suffering we allow ourselves to experience so don’t suffocate your own soul.