Lost a Friend to Suicide
The following was written to the family and friends of Jacob.
When you wake up one day and you realize that nothing was as it ever seemed it will devastate you. I have seen this illusion that I once called "my" life and I have been crushed by it. I am on the same journey Jacob traveled and I don't blame him… I don't judge him. People choose to end their life by many means from eating unhealthy, chemical abuse, living recklessly or by being alive, but not living at all. When you wake up and you are no longer a character in the story you've created… when you realize it was in fact indeed a story… it is devastating. I know what despair feels like. In some ways we are all alone Why? because who we are is far too complex for another person to know. There is not another person on the planet who fully understands us in perfect depth… even if that person existed would they even have the time or want to take the time to really know us? All of the above is at the heart of mysticism and its potential to be destructive to those who open the door by questioning the illusion… the matrix. Today I stay alive because life has become a game, a mirage that I constantly toy with, a rough ocean where I ride waves with the potential to destroy me… or could they really destroy me? Some day we all will die alone Why? because even that person holding our hand as we take our last breath will have no idea what we are going through. Welcome to purgatory! You have 3 choices, 1.) deny it, play along with it, become a slave to it, refuse to question it, 2.) Acknowledge it then leave it by allowing it to destroy you, be swept out to sea by the rip currents of the matrix. 3.) Face your fears, accept it, see it all for the illusion it really is, grieve, and learn to ride the ever changing currents of this illusion by refusing to take your fears too seriously. I believe lots of suicides are the result of step 2 above when people become spiritually enlightened resulting in grief and despair as they see the truth for the very first time. The greatest fear is this loneliness you initially feel when you realize the "you" who will never be understood is nonexistent because all are one. Sin is the illusion of separateness, sin is the belief in separateness that leads to death. I love you all because "I am" you all… "I am" Jacob. No matter what choices we build our story with…. they will all ultimately lead to the truth. The pain is only the evidence of our interconnectedness. When one of us dies a part of each of us dies. The honesty with our own self reveals the pure fact we're on the same journey… we just make this journey look different by the unique way we travel it. It becomes easy to understand and forgive people when you realize there is no right or wrong… only different places on the same journey. Even the lies we tell our self inevitably point to the truth. The journey itself has a way of setting things straight even if it doesn't happen until the very end/beginning when we finally see our self for who we really are under the light of the divine.
