Fear to Freedom – Holy Triage

Recently a dear co-worker of mine went from seemly healthy to stage 4 cancer only in a matter of months. I had regular conversations over the years with this co-worker because he played an important role at the office and as a friend. When I traveled back east recently on a business trip I saw this co-worker, he was pale and weak after having a routine heart bypass they had not discovered any cancer yet. When I went to hug this gentleman I had no idea it may be the last time I’d see him in person. A series of complications after his heart bypass lead to tests and the tests discovered the cancer which was through-out his body.

I am writing this at 2AM because I could not sleep. I was laying in bed thinking about the mother I lost to cancer 6 years ago. I have been down this road before and as I approach 40 years in age it's becoming apparent I will travel this road routinely in the coming years. When someone close to you is terminally ill it forces you to make a choice, a choice to face it or to run and pretend you are immortal. Through-out our life we are given these opportunities to allow ourselves to face our mortality and realize someday it too will be us when our so-called number is up. The reason I am awake at 2AM writing this is the fact that I choose to feel.

Now back to my dear friend Mike facing his last days. Mike is an engineer and as an engineer he left the office each day on time to be home for dinner with his family. Mike never put money before friendship, never played office politics and even though he left the office around 5PM each day he still managed to find the time to help his fellow employees. Mike took days off turning 2 day weekends into 3 or 3 day weekends into 4 days and why did Mike do this? Mike’s kids are grown and he also has grand kids that he'd drive across state lines to visit. Now that Mike is facing his end of days I am sure he does not regret leaving the office around 5PM each day or spending extended weekends with his kids across state lines.

When I see a person terminally ill, fighting to get a few extra days in this world with their loved ones it kills me. I do have a heart and soul, so all these thoughts flood my mind as I lay in bed unable to turn my brain off. I wonder what goes through Mike’s mind when he visits co-workers at the office in his frail condition now that he can no longer work. I wonder how Mike feels when he sees a job he loved, his empty office and imagines another guy sitting at his desk doing that job he held all those years. I wonder how Mike will handle the huge responsibility of saying goodbye to his wife and kids. I even wonder about what it must be like for a terminally ill person fighting cancer to make love to their wife that one last time, to have one last birthday or Christmas or New Years. I wonder what Doug our controller is feeling as Doug and Mike went out to lunch nearly every day, so now who does Doug eat lunch with? I wonder all these things after previously watching my mother do everything in her life one last time due to cancer.

Here are some lessons I have learned facing the mortality of others and even my own mortality (I am a mortal you know). Never deny your feelings or view feelings as an inconvenience. Many when faced with human mortality go on with their life in denial and become desensitized over the years. I know people who are miserable and bitter, but to save face they put on a mask each day instead of allowing themselves to feel. If you see emotions as an inconvenience you will ironically become a bitter person who lacks heart. One who suppresses their own soul will be viewed by the people around them as soulless. It is ok to let yourself feel the pain because pain is aliveness and by feeling pain you are letting yourself truly live. All our compassion is born of the suffering we allow ourselves to experience so don’t suffocate your own soul.

Life is dynamic meaning spirituality looks different from the vantage point of each individual life. People think they can create a one size fits all spirituality, but that is actually religion not spirituality. The very fact that our lives are all different means we all take different paths… we are the path… our life is the narrow road. Do any two people see God the same? Do any two people see Christ the same? No matter what we "believe" it has been shaped by our own individual perception via life experience. The Christ I know today will transform into a completely different Christ as I grow spiritually, therefore each individual's perception is truly the road or the way… our lives are far too distinct to narrow it down to the so-called "one-way" mentality. Where does God or Christ truly exist… they live in our perception and our perception changes with time. Everything we know about God is in our perception therefore as our perception changes God changes. Anyone who tells you psychology is irrelevant to spirituality needs to realize our psychology is the lens with which we view God.

Eliminating threats is not the realization of something new, but awareness of something that already exists. Our reactions to others is not about them… instead our reactions themselves are the enemy. Our lies to our self are the biggest threat. Our lies form out of our constant grasping. If we begin observing our own reactions to that which we are grasping for… we will learn that both suffering and happiness exist within us. It is the grasping that feeds our suffering. We cannot find happiness until we first find contentment within. Those who are grasping create their own threats when they blame outside sources for their misery or when they reach to outside sources in search of happiness.

When we find our self in between a person and that which they are grasping for at that point we become the victim of the lies this person tells them self. Even Jesus said "forgive them Father for they know not what they do". People in competition with us are grasping. Revenge is a form of grasping. Unforgiveness is a form of grasping. Greed is a form of grasping. Codependency is a form of grasping. Addiction is a form of grasping. Religion is a form of grasping… So we cannot control that which others are grasping for, but we can control our own grasping before it becomes destructive.

There is no such thing as being wrong… only a journey that leads us all to the truth. Just as it takes failure to eventually succeed, it also takes being wrong to eventually be right. Wrong is a part of the journey that leads to right, so wrong and right are really one. In other words if I was a mass murderer eventually I am going to have to face the truth… face my true reflection…. Every lie points to the truth… Fear points to love…. Cold points to warmth…. Darkness points to light… One thing becomes the space for another…. We experience heaven or hell by how we live in this moment… and by whether we live with our eyes open or shut… The only consequence of my wrongness will be guidance to the truth… Even Jesus said those who seek will find… Blessed are the hungry, the thirsty, the poor in spirit because all these represent emptiness that when embraced leads to a blessing. I was a Christian until I was humble enough to be wrong about my beliefs and today that willingness to be wrong has lead to more freedom then I have ever experienced before. Christianity was an important part of my journey of wrongness that leads to truth.

Sometimes I allow my mind to deeply contemplate or meditate on different subjects and last night’s subject was human value. As I went to bed my mind took me down a rabbit hole filled with all sorts of emotion. I embraced a sense of powerlessness as I contemplated human value and how it’s measured only to realize the fragility of mankind. I woke up at 2AM thinking more about human value. I finally surrendered to the idea of sleeping, got out of bed and recorded the following thoughts. As I contemplated human value I found myself embracing bitterness and great despair, but I let my mind go on the following journey…

Where is our value as humans? Is our value in our work? Many people have been laid off over the last couple of years and told they no longer are needed by their employer. Is our value in our appearance? All of us are aging and in time will lose that youthful appearance. Less attractive people tend to be discriminated against by potential employers or less often considered as a potential mate in the dating world. Is our value in our net worth? In today’s economy people aren’t worth nearly as much as they used to be. Is our value in our marriage? Lately I have watched most of my friend’s marriages fall apart. Is our value in our relationships? In my life I have watched friends come and go. I have lots of friends that amount to infrequent and distant encounters with virtually zero intimacy. Is our value in being a parent? One day our children will grow up and have their own family’s needs to attend to. Is our value in our education? As technology rapidly advances in today’s world it is easy to fall behind on our education. Is our value in our health? All of us are terminally ill and when I watched my mother die of cancer 4 ½ years ago I saw all her dreams die with her. Is our value in our youth? I have watched both men and women endure destructive midlife crisis as they attempt to feel young again. Is our value in religion? I have seen religions eat people up and spit them out.

To see where a person places their value one must only look closely at that person. I have known people who talk excessively about their business. I have known people who talk excessively about their wealth or their prospective success. I have known people who constantly look in the mirror obsessing about their appearance. I have seen married couples call each other pet names and they are either obsessed with each other or they are putting on a good show. I have watched people spend countless hours on the road neglecting their families in the name of their job security which gives them a sense of value. I have seen people go back to school as the economy has stirred up their insecurities and many drop out. I know people who spend hours toning their bodies to feel a sense of pride about both their health and physique. I have seen people who build their Facebook friends lists and some place high value on their thousands of friends. I have related to people who put on the mask of religion. I have been guilty of placing value in many of these ideals, but recently I have seen more then ever how these ideals are just a fragile illusion.

What if tomorrow I became a crippled, poor person who could no longer work or generate any sort of income? What if I got sick enough to be miserable, but not sick enough to die? What if I lost my edge in the career world and didn’t have what it took to go back to college? What would happen to my marriage, my friends and my life? I can say with all certainty that sometimes I just don’t know what is real anymore. Life is starting to feel more and more like a dream to me because lately I have seen so much so-called value blow up in people’s faces. I guess the only way to know true value vs. an illusion is when we lose everything. Like Jesus said “to find our lives we must lose them”. If I lost all the things that I believe make me a valuable person who and what would be left? If I could no longer work, generate an income or be a resource for others then what would be left of my life? The only way find out what is real is to lose the illusion only to find reality in the process.

This loss of value really happens in our world and it leads people to become homeless or incarcerated. When a person loses their sense of value they gain the capability to commit crimes or even to commit suicide. When Jesus mentions the least of these He specifically defines them as the hungry, the thirsty, the sick and the imprisoned… all these are people have either lost their sense of value or never had a sense of value to begin with. What about the rich man that came to Jesus asking “what must I do to be saved”? What about the richest man in the Bible King Solomon who called life vanity? Most of the things that make people feel valuable are illusions that give people faith in themselves. I have spent a lifetime watching illusions blow up in my face and in the faces of others. Maybe life is about losing the illusion… losing our lives… to find our lives. When you witness a sick person fighting to stay alive you will often see a person that awakens to these illusions as they approach their last breath… as they approach their death. When a person accepts their fate they will begin to live… I mean truly live. We are all terminal and the worldly things that bring us value in this life are also terminal. We will all die someday because God does not heal us from our physical condition that inevitably leads all to death. What’s left of us in the end is the true value… those things which will not die with us. The Bible talks about a judgment called the bema seat where our life is put through the test of fire and our value amounts to what doesn’t burn in the end.

Yesterday I bought my 5 year old son Elijah a bean bag and on the way home in the back seat he yelled out “I love you dad”. His older brother Noah then said “you only love dad because he bought you a bean bag”. I remember the Bible story of the prodigal son and how the younger brother lost everything, but found his life in the process. When the young brother came home with nothing he expected his father to reject him, but was surprised to find a father who welcomed him home with a party. The Bible tells us not to find value in our works, but through grace. Our value lies in the grace that is freely given when everything falls apart. Sometimes we need things to blow up in our face in order to find our value in grace. There will always be people that say we only love our father because he bailed us out… just like the big brothers in the stories above. What makes grace valuable is that it’s a bail out plan that grants us the freedom to find value on our own. The whole Bible is filled with stories about the mistakes people made on their quest to find value.

Genesis 3:22 And the LORD God said, “The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever.”

In the Beginning

In the beginning God was our Father. We didn’t have to worry about our next meal, our next paycheck, we didn’t have to know why, or how, or when. In the pureness of our minds we were able to live in the present moment, worry free, trusting our Father. In the beginning there was no law, only two trees representing two fruits, two futures, two choices. There was one tree that the Father warned us about and that was the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. The Father said for when you eat of it you will surely die. When we could have eaten from the tree of life we chose to eat of the tree of knowledge and in doing so brought into existence a new paradigm… The Paradigm of Good & Evil that Keeps Us from Seeing God.

The Consequences

The knowledge of good and evil began to obstruct our view of the Father. We became irrational, insecure, ashamed, naked and afraid. The Father that we directly communed with became a threat to us and we hid from Him. The first accusation then entered the world as a man blaming his wife, followed by the first of many murders and many other sins. People felt lost and they suddenly longed for structure or a system to fill the void once filled by the security of the Father’s love. People felt a separation from the Father and they felt a separation from each other defined as sin. Our minds were awakened in a way they were never intended to be… awakened in a way that blinded us. We began to question everything, we became discontent with simplicity, we began seeking answers where there were no answers and in this mad quest a once secure world became a dangerous place to live. We began to associate the Father with things that the Father has nothing to do with… things that we define as good and evil.

Biblical Examples of God not in Good or Evil

Jesus often demonstrated the blinding paradigm of good and evil in His parables. One example of the good and evil paradigm is found in the parable of Lazarus and the rich man. The rich man’s wealth didn’t have anything to do with the Father and the poor man’s suffering didn’t have anything to do with the Father. When we associate the Father with what we define as good and evil we often place Him in positions where He does not exist. One modern example how the paradigm of good and evil forms false doctrines is the Prosperity Doctrine. Many churches today teach that Jesus was financially rich and that we too will become financially rich by giving to the church institution. Many churches teach that the riches of the wealthy are a sign of God’s blessing upon them. The parable of Lazarus and the rich man disproves the fact that the Father has something to do with neither wealth nor poverty.

Another example when Jesus used a parable to demonstrate the blinding effects of the paradigm of good and evil is the parable of the prodigal son. The prodigal son was blinded by the paradigm of good and evil. He went to his father and asked for his inheritance early so he could go out and find what was missing in his life. In this parable the father represents God. The Father allowed the son to venture out, but only played the role of the observer. The father in this parable had nothing to do with the son’s success or failure, but rather merely played the role of the observer. The prodigal son’s quests lead him to misery and misery lead the prodigal son to return home. The misery the prodigal son created had nothing to do with the father in the story. In this parable the brother of the prodigal son is left confused and bitter by the paradigm of good and evil. The Father (God) in this parable breaks every rule in the book of parenting and in doing so completely operates outside the laws of good and evil through His exercising of pure grace.

Jesus also demonstrates how the Father operates outside the paradigm of good and evil in other parables including, but not excluding, the wheat & tares, the parable of workers wages, building bigger barns and when He asks the rich man to sell everything He has and give the money to the poor.

The Observer

In the beginning before the fall people had unobstructed communion with the Father. In the beginning by choosing to eat from the tree of knowledge we caused the Father’s role to become more of an observing role. In sin our direct connection with God becomes severed… in other words this direct connection dies. The consequence of sin in the world is tied to the suffering both that we cause and the suffering that we allow to exist. In a perfect world love fulfills the law and brings atonement. The word atonement means the undoing. Love has a sanctifying effect as it directly opposes sin. When we choose to love our enemies it brings a healing effect upon our world. When we learn to work outside the paradigm of good and evil our hearts beat with the heartbeat of Christ. The word holy means to be set apart. We become holy when we rise above the paradigm of good and evil, when we see beyond its blinding effect. Jesus said you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free. Jesus came to open the eyes of the blind, to open the ears of the deaf and to set the captives free. We connect with the Father when we learn to observe like the Father.

Connecting with the Observer

1 Thessalonians 5:17 pray without ceasing,

What is prayer and how can we pray without ceasing? Could prayer be open eyes, open ears, a heightened sense of awareness where within holiness we obtain the ability to observe the way the Father observes? Could real prayer in its essences be the ability to see beyond, to rise above, to experience depth in the same way the Father does? What is walking in the spirit and could it possibly relate to praying without ceasing? How does connecting with the observer change our awareness? How does heightened awareness effect our actions? Does heightened awareness give us the ability to love in a way we once were unable to love? Upon our physical deaths do we completely and perfectly connect with the observer? In the book of Hebrews the Bible speaks of a cloud of witnesses could they be observing with the Father?

As I laid in bed from 3AM to 4AM thinking about this it became fascinating to consider how much sense it made!

On many days I am not a God fearing man. Being a prince is a lot of pressure for an imperfect man to bare. How about we add the fact that the ideal man does not even exist, therefore God’s solution is the fact that He asks us to be merciful (meaning not punishing when someone deserves it) and gracious (meaning being nice even when someone doesn’t deserve it).

I have been with my wife Jana 16 years and I can say with all certainty that I am far from the prince that she deserves. If my wife was looking for the ideal man I would have never made it past the first date (I said stupid things on our first date). Did I mention the fact that we met in a bar and neither of us was sober. I was what many would consider a backslider christian and my wife rarely thought about herself as a christian. In fact if either of us were waiting for or looking for the ideal mate…… both of us would still be single.

Just saying (with a smile) my own perspective. Jesus didn’t die so we could sin, He died because we do sin. Grace and mercy means accepting that as handsome and as beautiful a person may be…. we as Jesus did need to lay down our own lives and sacrifice our definition of what is ideal sometimes. He may not always be the handsome prince. She may not be always be the beautiful princess so grace and mercy become the glue that keeps people together. Without out grace and mercy we will find ourselves either continually being kicked to the curb or continually kicking people to the curb.

1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

Remember the quote “too good to be true” and you will be OK.

In the past I have been guilty of planning and producing the “Me Show”. The “ME SHOW” is about trying to be somebody when you feel deep down like a nobody. I find it easy to love and forgive those types of people because I know what it is like to feel like a “nobody”. I have had friends that constantly boast and I have accepted them knowing that behind all the bragging lies pure misery. When your identity is based upon external forces that are beyond your control…. life is like riding a wild horse that can never be broken. I see people everyday thinking they have the power to break the wild horse (life), but these people are only happy when they are temporarily holding something, something that will eventually lead to their deep misery when the wild horse (life) kicks them off… over and over again. This is why I find the Buddhist concepts of desire leading to pain very realistic.

Now that my “ME SHOW” is over my goal today is to simply pour out my heart with no strings attached…. even draw attention toward others and away from me when I have the opportunity. Love given and received freely is my reward. I am glad to not be in a position where my financial security or my self esteem is dependent upon my popularity. I can freely speak my mind without the worry of people deleting me from their friends lists. After graduating from Bible college I decided not to be a pastor because watching other people’s “me shows” started making me sick to my stomach.

The best favor anyone can do for themselves is avoid seeking an identity in the girls, the gold and the glory. The smart girls can usually see right through you, the gold is easily lost unless you make it your wicked slave master and the fame only opens the doorway to controversy. When people identify with the girls, the gold and the glory they invite destructive fears into their lives…. fears that often bring death to their door step early.

On a recent visit to my father’s house in CA my cat started doing something weird. As I was working at a desk I heard a clawing noise behind me. When I turned around I was surprised to find my cat sucking on a fuzzy purple robe and doing this marching motion with only his front paws. When I first saw this behavior I laughed because I knew right away it was a harmless disorder some cats have called kneading. My cat did this kneading for around 30 minutes straight and then curled up in a ball to take his routine nap. The next morning I noticed my cat kneading again, pawing and sucking this fuzzy purple robe for around 30 minutes each morning for 9 days straight.

As I have grown spiritually over the years I learned many new things. I have learned that ones psychological state effects how they see God and each other. I have learned that animals are complex creatures with personalities and they feel emotions. When I was a Christian I had a tendency to over-simplify everything in order to feel a sense of control. I looked at animals as disposable entertainment because we were taught that animals didn’t have souls. I was taught as a Christian to compartmentalize everything into it’s appropriate category. As I grew spiritually I realized that the tree of knowledge created this compartmentalizing and categorizing disorder a tradition carried on by religion. I have learned over the years exactly what Jesus meant when He said do not judge in Mat 7:1-2. I have learned that duality is a crime to spirituality.

Some people believe a cat’s kneading behavior is a developmental issue caused early on when a cat is a kitten. I suspect that when a kitten has either nursed too long or not long enough the psychological impact causes this weird behavior. As I watched my cat’s weirdness each morning I began to wonder about the weirdness in myself caused by the things in my past. I wondered about the wounds that were left unhealed far too long or development that may have been stunted by a well meaning nurturer. I love my cat in spite of his weirdness to the degree that I consider him a member of the family. In fact I love my cat more because of his weirdness because his weirdness makes me feel more connected with him. Why does human weirdness have to divide people as it often does? The simple reason I could connect with my kneading cat is the fact that I am connected to my own weirdness. Jesus said before you attempt to remove the speck in your brother’s eye first remove the plank in your own. Our familiarity with our own flaws is what helps us to see more clearly for the purpose of loving people in the purest form possible.

So there you have it…. a lesson on weirdness and how it connects with a beautiful side of loving each other. If you understand weirdness you can love someone deeper, but if you refuse to understand weirdness your relationships will lack the grace and mercy that Jesus spoke about. Love thrives in understanding and dies when it is not understood or when a person refuses to understand. So much for blind faith. Understanding breeds compassion, forgiveness and grace. To be loved is to be understood, to be lonely is to be constantly misunderstood.

There is a running theme in many of the parables Jesus taught that makes the simple statement… “show up”. Show up for the wedding feast, show up to work, show up at home after a long journey that takes you to a place feeding pigs and even eating the pig food. Show up to the challenge of taking your talents and making them multiply. Show up to eat, to drink, to visit the imprisoned, to care for the sick and needy, to free the captives (so they are free to show up too). Show up at the very kingdom of God that is both amongst us and within us. Show up to gather with two or more in Christ’s name and He will show up.

Jesus welcomed everyone to show up thieves, prostitutes, races of people that were previously rejected by the Jews, tax collectors (basically politicians). When Jesus called out to “the world”…. He meant it and when He used the word “all”…. He meant it. Jesus was more concerned with the obsticals that prevented people from showing up (the religious leaders) then He was concerned with trying to determine which individuals had the potential to show up. Jesus simply says “come” follow me and He says to everyone regardless of race, class, sexual gender or religion.

God gave me a dream one night 5 years ago that showed the institutional church trying to place God’s living water behind a dam (making it stale and bitter water, rotten like manna not eaten the same day) and I heard God’s voice say open the floodgates so I can build up my church. My life began to change and I met Darin Hufford author of “The Misunderstood God” a year later. Today I know a lot of people who have heard God speak this same message to their hearts. Things are changing faster then you realize because the present economy is challenging the institution and revealing their wickedness. GOD HIMSELF is building an army and people are being freed from slavery…. and all the while the hearts of the religious leaders grow harder and more calloused.

Today I want you to think about the word “presence”. What keeps you from being present? The ultimate form of presence in someones life is true love. What keeps you from loving with no strings attached? What keeps you from “showing up”?