Life is dynamic meaning spirituality looks different from the vantage point of each individual life. People think they can create a one size fits all spirituality, but that is actually religion not spirituality. The very fact that our lives are all different means we all take different paths… we are the path… our life is the narrow road. Do any two people see God the same? Do any two people see Christ the same? No matter what we "believe" it has been shaped by our own individual perception via life experience. The Christ I know today will transform into a completely different Christ as I grow spiritually, therefore each individual's perception is truly the road or the way… our lives are far too distinct to narrow it down to the so-called "one-way" mentality. Where does God or Christ truly exist… they live in our perception and our perception changes with time. Everything we know about God is in our perception therefore as our perception changes God changes. Anyone who tells you psychology is irrelevant to spirituality needs to realize our psychology is the lens with which we view God.
Last night memories of my past were brought to the surface briefly when I drove past a bunch of religious people holding signs that said repent on the corner of a busy intersection. I used to be a person who handed out Bible tracts to random people on street corners. I used to tell people that Jesus loves them. I used to pride myself on how many people I evangelized each day. I actually grew a public high school Bible study to around 40 kids when I was only 17 years old. I spent at least four nights a week at church then another 2 nights a week on street corners evangelizing people. I spent about 6 years of my life being called an on fire Christian, and then I spent the next couple years attending a Bible college until I graduated. Now in this present moment I am trying to make sense of the 8 years of my life spent being gripped by religion.
In 1990 I actually had a reverse conversion experience prior to attending a small Bible college. At 18 years old I went from an on fire Christian to feeling there was something missing in my life. I told my parents that I was afraid that my heart was drifting and asked them to force me to go to Bible College in the event that I changed my mind. I started going to night clubs where the lights, the beautiful women and the music felt like a piece of Heaven to me. At that point the youth pastor told me that I had to make a choice between being a high school counselor and dancing. The youth pastor said the head pastor was against dancing and therefore he also had to be against dancing (under his breath he confessed that he would have dancing at his wedding). I looked the youth pastor in the eyes and said I choose dancing because I don’t care about the title of being a high school counselor. When I look back I am thankful for this youth pastor because he triggered the anger that freed me from religion.
As I attended Bible College I started questioning everything I believed. By the time I graduated from Bible College in 1992 I was convinced the institutional church was evil. I began writing rebuking articles directed at the church back then of which I still possess. For the first time in my life I felt free inside and out. Over the course of the next 3 years I went out dancing, drinking and truly living from my heart. For the first time in my life I wasn’t living to please God or others and it was absolutely exhilarating. In the midst of this freedom I found true love that replaced the counterfeit love of the church. Every past Christian friend I had easily forgot I even existed. As the many Christian friends I once had refused to reach out to me it became apparent that these friendships were not real. The results of questioning everything I believed actually awakened me from the deep trance of religion. My questioning revealed the difference between truth and lie, friend and foe. Even now as I write this note I am still giving myself new freedoms to question, so many things. Thanks to backsliding I met my wife, I decided not to waste my life playing pastor and on this day I don’t answer to God or people, instead only love is my judge.
When I look back on what I used to believe I laugh. I used to believe that God was an advocate of human sacrifice. I used to call a book that approved of racism, sexism, genocide and slavery the word of God. I used to believe that I was put on this earth to perform like a circus monkey for God to get God to throw me peanuts based on my performance. I used to completely discount science calling it an attempt to eliminate the existence of God. My religious behavior was just me trying to convince myself that I was better then everybody else. Christianity was only a cheap attempt to believe I was somebody because deep inside I believed I was nobody. I embraced religion like some sort of drug to feel better about myself and just like all other addictive substances the artificial high kept wearing off. Christianity was my drug of choice and the institutional church was like a drug pusher that sent me out to evangelize. A drug pusher tries to get you addicted, so you have to keep coming back for more. A drug pusher tries to get you indebted, so you too have to become a drug dealer to in order to pay for your expensive habit. The institutional church makes you feel indebted to God by telling you you’re a sinner over and over again. The institutional church is guilty of creating an abusive God who is a monster that demands blood to appease Him. I recently watched a documentary that traced the religious practice of human sacrifice back to a day long before Judaism even existed. The Jews actually stole the idea of blood sacrifice from the belief systems that existed long before Judaism. Judaism is guilty of embracing the angry God of the pagans that existed for thousands of years before Judaism. Today the very idea of God demanding a human sacrifice sounds so primitive and yet many people embrace this brutal idea.
Some at this point will ask me what I believe about Jesus. Jesus was hailed by three wise men from the east who were not Jews and Christianity did not even exist yet. Who were the three wise men guided to Jesus by their practice of Astrology? When I open my heart to the truth it has become apparent that Jesus was a spiritually enlighten teacher who was exploited by religion. I believe that Jesus was a martyr for the truth. I believe in the wisdom of Jesus, I even believe Jesus was the truth incarnate. Was Jesus the only individual that existed through-out history who was the truth incarnate? NO! Even Jesus points to John the Baptist as Elijah reborn. Now this brings me back to the beginning of this article. Remember when I mentioned the religious people on the corner holding the repent signs? When John the Baptist cried out repent, it was not in a religious way. Even baptism was originally a pagan practice hijacked by the religion of Judaism. John the Baptist was actually speaking out against traditional temple Judaism. Matthew 3:7 But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to where he was baptizing, he said to them: “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath? Why did both John the Baptist and Jesus come? The Kingdom of God was hijacked by religion and John and Jesus came to take the Kingdom of God back by force. Matthew 11:12 From the days of John the Baptist until now, the kingdom of heaven has been subjected to violence, and violent people have been raiding it. Jesus own words declare that the kingdom of God can be raided by force or by religion. Today the institutional church is exploiting Jesus via religion and attempting a monopoly on the kingdom of God. If we want to be like Jesus then we need to refuse to be enslaved by any and all religious institutions… even if it gets us crucified.
On many days I am not a God fearing man. Being a prince is a lot of pressure for an imperfect man to bare. How about we add the fact that the ideal man does not even exist, therefore God’s solution is the fact that He asks us to be merciful (meaning not punishing when someone deserves it) and gracious (meaning being nice even when someone doesn’t deserve it).
I have been with my wife Jana 16 years and I can say with all certainty that I am far from the prince that she deserves. If my wife was looking for the ideal man I would have never made it past the first date (I said stupid things on our first date). Did I mention the fact that we met in a bar and neither of us was sober. I was what many would consider a backslider christian and my wife rarely thought about herself as a christian. In fact if either of us were waiting for or looking for the ideal mate…… both of us would still be single.
Just saying (with a smile) my own perspective. Jesus didn’t die so we could sin, He died because we do sin. Grace and mercy means accepting that as handsome and as beautiful a person may be…. we as Jesus did need to lay down our own lives and sacrifice our definition of what is ideal sometimes. He may not always be the handsome prince. She may not be always be the beautiful princess so grace and mercy become the glue that keeps people together. Without out grace and mercy we will find ourselves either continually being kicked to the curb or continually kicking people to the curb.
1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
Remember the quote “too good to be true” and you will be OK.
In the past I have been guilty of planning and producing the “Me Show”. The “ME SHOW” is about trying to be somebody when you feel deep down like a nobody. I find it easy to love and forgive those types of people because I know what it is like to feel like a “nobody”. I have had friends that constantly boast and I have accepted them knowing that behind all the bragging lies pure misery. When your identity is based upon external forces that are beyond your control…. life is like riding a wild horse that can never be broken. I see people everyday thinking they have the power to break the wild horse (life), but these people are only happy when they are temporarily holding something, something that will eventually lead to their deep misery when the wild horse (life) kicks them off… over and over again. This is why I find the Buddhist concepts of desire leading to pain very realistic.
Now that my “ME SHOW” is over my goal today is to simply pour out my heart with no strings attached…. even draw attention toward others and away from me when I have the opportunity. Love given and received freely is my reward. I am glad to not be in a position where my financial security or my self esteem is dependent upon my popularity. I can freely speak my mind without the worry of people deleting me from their friends lists. After graduating from Bible college I decided not to be a pastor because watching other people’s “me shows” started making me sick to my stomach.
The best favor anyone can do for themselves is avoid seeking an identity in the girls, the gold and the glory. The smart girls can usually see right through you, the gold is easily lost unless you make it your wicked slave master and the fame only opens the doorway to controversy. When people identify with the girls, the gold and the glory they invite destructive fears into their lives…. fears that often bring death to their door step early.
“As I Attract The Way, I Will Travel It” – Matthew Ward
Explanation: People who constantly attract abusive people or who constantly end up in abusive circumstances (not knowing why) are self abusers. Only a self abuser could sit in an abusive church congregation and be completely blind to the abuse taking place. This is the essence of spiritual blindness and why Jesus said first look at the log in your own eye before you point out the speck in your brothers. Self abusers struggle with the concept of mercy and grace toward both themselves and others therefore they harbor a lot of grudges. Self abusers keep long lists of people and evidence in there hearts that are a reflection of victimization. All this negative energy finds its way out in the form of abuse that is both given and taken. Some people love drama for this reason because it validates them. One result of an identity crisis is the need to create enemies for the purpose of establishing a personal identity. We create a dramatic story where we are the hero and others become the evil enemy. George W Bush did this and all it did was screw up the world and cause wars. Entire religions and movements have been established on the above principles. We feel like we need to create a group, religion or church for the purpose of identifying with or defining ourselves. People make a lot of money off of our hunger for a sense of belonging. People often get rich by simply finding a way to capitalize upon this collective identity crisis. The end result is the designer of this great scheme laughs his/her way all the way to the bank. Self abusers / the abused both abuse and attract abuse.
The cure: Jesus basically said have no enemies when He said love both friend and enemy the same. We know we are cured when we first learn to identify and live inside our own mess which results in us being more tolerant and understand of other peoples messes. Eliminating the need to create or join groups, religions, movements and all sorts of false solutions all for the purpose of putting our identity crisis at ease. This whole idea is a paradox of the sorts. The above truth is so powerful it could get me crucified like it did someone else I know.
We live in an abusive world that is often totally blind to this vicious cycle….
There is a running theme in many of the parables Jesus taught that makes the simple statement… “show up”. Show up for the wedding feast, show up to work, show up at home after a long journey that takes you to a place feeding pigs and even eating the pig food. Show up to the challenge of taking your talents and making them multiply. Show up to eat, to drink, to visit the imprisoned, to care for the sick and needy, to free the captives (so they are free to show up too). Show up at the very kingdom of God that is both amongst us and within us. Show up to gather with two or more in Christ’s name and He will show up.
Jesus welcomed everyone to show up thieves, prostitutes, races of people that were previously rejected by the Jews, tax collectors (basically politicians). When Jesus called out to “the world”…. He meant it and when He used the word “all”…. He meant it. Jesus was more concerned with the obsticals that prevented people from showing up (the religious leaders) then He was concerned with trying to determine which individuals had the potential to show up. Jesus simply says “come” follow me and He says to everyone regardless of race, class, sexual gender or religion.
God gave me a dream one night 5 years ago that showed the institutional church trying to place God’s living water behind a dam (making it stale and bitter water, rotten like manna not eaten the same day) and I heard God’s voice say open the floodgates so I can build up my church. My life began to change and I met Darin Hufford author of “The Misunderstood God” a year later. Today I know a lot of people who have heard God speak this same message to their hearts. Things are changing faster then you realize because the present economy is challenging the institution and revealing their wickedness. GOD HIMSELF is building an army and people are being freed from slavery…. and all the while the hearts of the religious leaders grow harder and more calloused.
Today I want you to think about the word “presence”. What keeps you from being present? The ultimate form of presence in someones life is true love. What keeps you from loving with no strings attached? What keeps you from “showing up”?
All the illusions I constructed my identity from became held in the ego’s death grip as my eyes were opened to the great contradiction known as my life. Now at this point I could either create a reason to continue believing lies (denial) or I could take a huge leap of faith by nailing my former self with all it’s grandiose ambitions to the cross. To repent means to change course. Two roads become visible the wide road and the narrow road. When I look back on my life it becomes painfully evident that I have been on the road of destruction and now I either admit it or carry on pretending that the pain does not exist. However sin is killing me… I can feel it as the stress hormones course through my veins and my heart races out of control. My relationships either end quickly or are a complete joke. Life has become a destructive pursuit of that very first high… a high that may never return again. To change course now would require starting over, relearning everything all over again, my whole mind would have to be rebuilt and my heart would have to be renewed… I would literally have to be born again.
There has been collective spiritual growth through the centuries; yet most refuse to learn from the history of slobbering babies who could not get along with God or each other. Today the institutional church baths in ego when they demonize other spiritual belief systems and choose to give precedence to political & military powers over love. The old testament is an accurate history book about God’s bride Israel getting it wrong over and over again. Those who refuse to question Israels actions risk repeating the same mistakes. If genocide is wrong today it was wrong yesterday too. If slavery is wrong today it was wrong yesterday too. If sexism is wrong today it was wrong yesterday too. If racism is wrong today it was wrong yesterday too. If we fail to learn from history we will be doomed to repeat it both collectively and individually. The opposite of love is fear and ego is a form of fear. God is love, satan is ego.
Satan is ego. I am not talking about the sense of self that enables you to understand others. Let me demonstrate the characteristic of ego as the Bible in 1st Cor 13 demonstrates the characteristics of love. Ego takes a believer and reduces him to a judge sitting high and mighty with the idea that he can fix the world around him. Ego breeds a hero complex instead of love. Ego causes division amongst people as they try to fix each other instead of love each other. Ego causes believers to fail at providing others room to grow. Ego wants to brand movements of God under a particular denomination. Ego is what causes institutional churches to focus on growth at any cost as they consume money meant for the poor to build bigger buildings. Ego sends believers out to find their lives / purpose and causes them to self destruct in the process. Ego is what makes true spiritual community impossible because it creates the masks we wear when we are afraid to let people see our messy lives. Ego paints the illusion that some are better then others so that all of us aim to become something instead of just living / loving in the moment. Ego is usually behind unforgiveness and thirst for vengeance. Ego collectively causes wars amongst nations who think it is their job to fix each other. Ego leads ultimately to death as it breads hatred which is murder. Ego is a heavy burden to bare and it crushes people slowly suffocating them under it’s weight. Ego breeds idolatry causing people to reverence men more then they reverence God. Ego is shallow and superficial; it destroys families driving men and women to mid-life crisis in search of a new partner to satisfy their egos hunger. Ego is satan.
We all have appetites for something. I just got back from a business trip and spent a single night in Las Vegas a.k.a. sin city. After going to sleep in my hotel room at 10:10 PM I had a rude awakening. The drunk couple in the room next door started fighting. The argument they were having got louder and louder. For some reason I was not mad about the noise, but instead curious about the content of the argument they were having. As the argument escalated a lamp hit the wall and shattered, then the man started getting physically violent with his girl friend. It became obvious that I needed to call hotel security to intervene. The reason I feel compelled to write this article is the underlying reason many people go to Las Vegas a.k.a. sin city. This article is about the unhealthy appetites in each one of us and the painful path they often carve out in our way. In this article I will be addressing the beast within each and every one of us.
Last week I watched a documentary on methamphetamine addiction. I learned about the lengths a person will go to support their drug habit. Some people become hard workers in order to make the money necessary to support their habits. I have a very close friend who was a cocaine addict and literally became the hardest worker in his company to support this habit. I once knew a cocaine dealer who at times made up to $40,000 per week selling cocaine and he used another legitimate business as a front to launder that money. I have met many different forms of addicts, but they all have one thing in common they need money to feed the beast within.
What is the beast within?
There is a saying that goes like this “There is no rest for the wicked”. To discover our own beast within we need to look no farther then our own appetites. For some it is as easy as to follow the money and where they spend it, but for others it may require deeper analysis. Here is a good example. A man with a mid-life crisis feels as if his life has not amounted to much. A mid-life crisis is based around the following questions. Who am I after all these years? Who did I set out to be and why did I miss that mark? A married man in a mid-life crisis will long for the look that he may have once saw in his wife’s eyes. Every man knows what I mean when I mention that special look. This look a man once saw in his wife’s eyes helped form this image of himself that he once loved. As time passed in his marriage he started seeing this look less and less frequently in time even losing his own self respect. I guess a mid-life crisis or an identity crisis in general could be defined as a quest to find the person you once were or the quest to find a certain reflection of yourself you once saw in the eyes others. Other examples of identity crisis are linked to a pastor’s church shrinking or a movie stars ratings shrinking or a rock star’s fan base shrinking. The beast within is always linked to a need for affirmation, security or validation for the purpose of easing tormenting fear.
The lengths people will go to feed the beast within
Show me a successful entrepreneur and in most cases I will show you a man with a horrific beast within. Investigate the divorce rate amongst entrepreneurs and you will most likely find it is alarmingly high. Why is a man able to work endless hours and why was he even willing to sacrifice his own family to achieve success? Jesus said in Matthew 6:24 “No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.” However make no mistake because the beast comes in many different forms and cannot be limited to money alone. Today we have different terms for this beast like obsessive compulsive behavior or addictive personality disorder, but all these represent different forms of the beast within us. Where do we spend most of our time, what lengths are we willing to go and what does that tell us about who we are? Some people are so obsessed with becoming an authority that they despise all authority. Look at successful pastors and politicians and you will often find a ferocious beast within these leaders. In conclusion, we can link all sin and the breaking of every one of the Ten Commandments to the lengths that people are willing to go to feed the beast within.
Our imperfect human nature will subconsciously and naturally look outward to fill internal emptiness. Jesus said “Man shall not live by bread alone”. If there is a fire inside your house eating out is not the solution. True it is hard to find the time these days to reflect inward. Reflection and meditiation are often uncomfortable especially if we are completely honest with ourself in the process. Sometimes we would actually rather read books that are the result of other peoples’ reflection and meditiation to find a solution. Sometimes we would rather gleen from other’s intimacy with God rather then experience our own intimacy with God. We wonder why our problems not only fail to be solved, but seem to get worse. Seeking outside solutions may provide shallow and momentary relief, but not a genuine solution.
We constantly try to solve spiritual problems with physical solutions. Reaching outward for solutions only further blinds us causing more stumbling in the dark. The truth is our psychology and our spiritual state of being are the same. The same lies that cause our psychological problems are also creating our spiritual problems. You cannot seperate pschology and spirituality. The lies we believe about ourself, God, others, the past, the future or anything else these same lies will influence our spiritual beliefs. The only cure is finding the truth and in the truth finding freedom. Meditation and reflection done honestly will lead us toward the truth and ultimately to freedom. Many of the spiritual leaders today sought out these positions as a cure for their own emptiness only to find a deeper emptiness. God is not calling you outward, but inward. Many people I have met with a so-called “calling from God” turned out to be very psychologically damaged and ministry was a way of running from the truth about themselves.
Looking for God…… well you will find Him in your own heart if you look for Him there. The image of God is true lawfulfilling love. Healthy marriages, healthy parenting and healthy relationships reveal a kind of love that heals the soul. The source of healthy relationships is a correct view of ourselves that comes from God. We have to get that love directly from God and not mediators like churches, pastors, books or any other outside source. We are responsible to have our own intimate relationship with God first hand. What if in my marriage I had some mediator between my wife and I? What if I only related to my wife through what other people said about her in her old year books? Jesus said “see this temple? I tell you not one stone will be left upon another”. God does not like mediators and He Himself is knocking on your heart wanting to come inside. Jesus said call no man Rabi, father or teacher. Relating to God through mediators will only give you a foggy view of God at the least. Do you want to settle for at best a blurry view of God for the rest of your life?
